


Who's Coming to Dinner

by Inkfowl



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Bickering, Confusion, Dinner, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Kissing, Lots of confusion, M/M, Mistaken for Being in a Relationship, Multi, lots of bickering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:13:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29118789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inkfowl/pseuds/Inkfowl
Summary: Oswald's mother is coming to dinner at the Iceberg Lounge and she may or may not be under the impression that Oswald has a boyfriend.  So scrambling to find a date, he may or may not have called all the men in his contacts, but what he didn't expect...is for all of them to show up.
Relationships: Oswald Cobblepot/Edward Nygma, Oswald Cobblepot/Jim Gordon, Oswald Cobblepot/Victor Fries, Oswald Cobblepot/Victor Zsasz
Comments: 25
Kudos: 68





	Who's Coming to Dinner

**Author's Note:**

> This is not that good, so apologies in advance. It is just a shameless selfish fic because I wanted Oswald to have all the boys fighting over him.
> 
> Also, Gertrud lived, don't question it.

Oswald paced around the floor, furious, and probably the most stressed he’s been in his entire life. Employees of the Iceberg Lounge were rushing around getting everything ready for a private dinner tonight. One woman walked alongside him asking about what wine to serve, and wordlessly he pointed to the one. It was such an obvious answer, why’d she even have to bother him with it! Shortly after a man came up and held up a centerpiece.

“So I think I arranged the tulips in a way-”

“Tulips?” Oswald halted and spun to face the poor worker. “ _ Tulips _ ? I distinctly remember saying  _ lilies _ !”

“You...you actually just told me  _ flowers _ , so I-”

“So what? You thought fucking tulips were the way to go? Look around this club! Do you really think  _ tulips _ would look good in here? I sure hope you don’t apply to be a florist in the future because you can consider yourself  **fired** !”

He grabbed the vase and threw it on the floor. As the ex-employee scurried off, Oswald stopped himself from screaming by repeatedly snapping his fingers until Arthur Penn was by his side with a clipboard.

“Yes, sir?”

“Someone needs to clean this up right away. Then I need someone to go  **back** to the florist and pick up a centerpiece of  _ lilies _ .”

Penn nodded his head, taking notes. Oswald watched him for a moment, and then took a calming breath.

“Oh, and...one other thing.”

“Mhm?”

“Would…” he had to think how to ask this, “would you be interested in being my boyfriend, er, fake boyfriend?”

The scribbling stopped and Penn looked up. He blinked a few times and straightened his glasses. Oswald put up his hands.

“Just-Just let me explain. This dinner is  **very** important to me. I have _not_ seen my mother since I had to send her away in an unmarked car, praying that she would survive a stab wound. We’ve only talked  _ twice _ since then, for safety reasons, and even though it’s a horribly dangerous idea, she insists on visiting. Which is-” Oswald shook his head. “Not the point. Anyway, I may have mentioned having a...blooming relationship during the first call, and when we talked recently she said how excited she was to meet my  _ boyfriend _ and it was a whole thing, and-”

He looked at Penn again, who was just about to open his mouth, but Oswald let his hands drop to his sides. “Nevermind, just forget it. Forget I said anything.”

“Oh. I see.” He lowered his gaze, tapping his pen against the clipboard. “Should I forget the flower part too?”

Oswald fixed him with a glare, and the man was quick to understand, hurrying off to take care of the new tasks. With a huge sigh, Oswald collapsed into the nearest booth. He had no idea how he was going to get through this dinner. Sure his mother would understand, but he knew she would first get this _ look _ . Not disappointment, she could never be disappointed in her son, but...he wanted to avoid that  _ look _ at all costs. He sat with his head in his hands when he heard a knock on the main door.

Oh God, oh no. Why did old people always have to be so early for everything? Was that just a thing that happens when people get old, they forget what ‘fashionably late’ means? Oswald reluctantly stood up and dragged his feet to the door. He shook himself out, put on a smile, and turned the handle.

“Mother...fucker!” His jaw dropped upon seeing the person on the other side of the door. “Jim?”

One detective James Gordon was standing there with an awkward smile and a rose. “Um...hi?”

They both stared at each other, a silence building between them. Oswald finally closed his mouth and dragged Jim inside. “W-What are you doing here?”

“Uh, you called me, remember?”

* * *

_ Earlier that day: _

Oswald held the phone up to his ear. He crossed his fingers, waiting for Jim to pick up.

“Hello?”

Oswald tried to stay calm. “Hello, old friend.”

“Oswald.” A sigh. “What is it?”

“So...you know how you still owe me about three favors?”

“Whoah, whoah three? I thought it was only one or two now.”

“Hm, I’m pretty sure…” Oswald didn’t have time for this. “Nevermind, the point is that you still owe me and I am willing to erase any and all favors if you do this one thing for me.”

The was the rustle of fabric, like Jim was adjusting his seat. “This better be legal. I’m not collecting payments again.”

“Oh no, no, this is perfectly legal. I uh...I need you to...um, you remember my mother right?”

“The one you said Tabitha killed, but then you told me she only  _ almost _ killed her, and you’ve just been hiding her away somewhere? That one? Yeah, I think I remember.”

“Yes...yes. Anyway...I’m having dinner with her tonight, and I would like to have you there.”

There was a beat. “You’re forgiving all my favors...for a dinner? That’s it?”

“Well...not exactly. I...I also need you to pretend to be my boyfriend.”

There was another beat. And then another. And then it stretched into a long silence. Then Jim cleared his throat.

“What?”

“I need you to be my fake boyfriend.” Oswald rushed through it and bit his lip.

“Okay, I did hear you right. Well, I...I don’t think it would be a good idea.”

“Jim, Jim please. I promise it won’t be that bad. You see I don’t get to talk to my mother a lot, and I might’ve- Ugh that's not the point! Just...please Jim?” He decided to change his tone from begging to commanding. “You owe me James Gordon, you owe me.”

“I know I… Look, I just don’t think it would work out. I mean, it’d be a big conflict of interest given that I’m currently coming after you for the licenses.”

Oswald forced his disappointment down. “Oh. Right, right I can see that. The...the cop thing.”

“Yeah…” There was another bout of silence. “But say ‘hi’ to Gertrud for me, I hope she’s doing well.”

“Will do.”

“Alright.”

“Alright. Goodbye, James.”

“Mhm. Bye, Oswald.”

* * *

_ Present _ :

Oswald pursed his lips. “Right. Yes, I did. But you also said ‘no’, remember?”

“Yeah, I know, but…” Jim scratched the back of his neck, “then I started thinking about it. I do owe you a  _ lot _ of favors, and...and I know how important your mom is so...I figured I could put my job aside for one dinner. For...an old friend.”

Then he offered the rose. Oswald looked at it, honestly surprised by the gesture. He looked back up at Jim.

“So...you’re okay pretending to be my boyfriend?”

Jim scoffed. “Sure. I know I’m not known for my acting prowess, but I think I can handle lying to an old woman.”

“Just as long as you don’t call her an old woman. She’s  _ mature _ .” Then Oswald relaxed and gently took the rose from Jim. “And...thank you for doing this. I know it might seem like I’m making it into a big deal, but-”

Jim held up his hands. “No, no it’s fine, really. Happy to help.”

They shared a smile and then there was another knock at the door. It made them both jump. Then Oswald was quick to smooth out his suit and straighten his tie.

“Okay, here we go. This...everything’s going to be fine. The staff’s still running around, but it’s fine, everything’s fine.” Once again, he reached for the handle and opened the door.

However, before he could even get one word out, his guest came barreling into the club. The man was frantically waving his arms as he paced around the entryway.

“Before you say anything I just want to let you know, that I’m not here for  _ you _ . I’m here because you’ve always talked about your mother, and how much you love her, and I thought ‘Hey, this lady seems great. So what if her son and I hate each other?’. Also, Lee kind of sort of kicked me out of the club so I didn’t really have anywhere else to be, and a free dinner’s a free dinner, especially knowing your expensive tastes. Side note, I have a gun, so if this is some sort of trap I’ll-” Edward stopped and glanced at Jim. Then he looked at Oswald...and then back to Jim...and then to Oswald. “I’m sorry, what the hell is Jim doing here?”

Oswald still had his hand on the door. “Uh…”

Jim glanced over Ed, crossing his arms. “I think I should ask you the same question. Why the hell are you here, Nygma?”

Ed rolled his eyes. “Duh, Oswald called me.”

* * *

_ Earlier that day… _

It was stupid. It was stupid for Oswald to even  _ try _ calling Ed. The last time he saw Edward, the man was in here pointing a gun at him. He considered hanging up when he heard Ed’s voice.

“Hello? You’ve reached the Riddler.”

Oswald considered hanging up again. “Hello, Edward.”

“Oswald?” He shouted in disbelief. “Why are you calling me? How’d you get this number?”

“It’s...It’s your same number.”

“Oh.” Then Ed raised his voice again. “Well why do you still have my number? Delete me from your phone! I’m going to hang up, and when I call you back, I want my number gone, understand?”

“Ed, wait-!” But Oswald was left with a dead line, only to have his phone ring a few seconds later. “Ed? Did you actually call me back?”

“Ed? Ed who? You’re not supposed to know who this is! I should be ‘ _ unknown caller _ ’ on your phone! I’m going to hang up again, and this time-”

“Ed! If you say you’re going to call me back, and then you call me back, of course I’m going to know it’s you!”

There was a brief pause. “Huh. Right. Well then I am  **not** going to call you back.”

“Edward, please! Will you listen? For one minute?”

“Only if you tell me how to be smart again.”

Oswald snorted. “At this point, I’m not sure if that’s possible.”

“Excuse me? That’s it-”

“Wait, wait I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Listen, if you do this thing for me...I’ll help to make you smart again.”

“Really? You know if you make me smart again I’m only going to kill you. You must be desperate.”

Holding in a sigh, Oswald mumbled. “You have no idea…” then he spoke clearly. “Yes, I’m aware of the... _ risks _ , but this involves my mother so it’s very important.”

“Isn’t your mother dead?”

“Legally, yes. Physically, no. Tabitha Galavan stabbed her, but she missed anything… You don’t need to know the whole story. All you need to know is that the last time I gave my mother a life update was back in the...mayoral days, so I may have led her to believe I have a boyfriend. So...I need a fake boyfriend for a dinner tonight.” Oswald braced himself for the rejection.

“Hold on...you called me because you need a fake boyfriend? What makes you think I’d want to help you find a fake boyfriend?” If Ed were in the same room he would’ve gotten the most confused look from Oswald. “If you ask me, I think you should call your old boyfriend and demand he show up. Speaking of...you never told me you had a boyfriend when you were mayor! When did this happen? What’s his name? Why did I not know of this?”

“Ed...Ed you  _ were _ …” Oswald sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “It didn’t work out, okay? So, now I have a vacancy, and I...called to ask you to fill it.”

“That means...y-you want me to...you want  _ me _ to…” Suddenly Ed started laughing hysterically on the other line. “You...you want me to pretend to be your  _ boyfriend _ ? After all this? After trying to kill each other over and over?”

Oswald listened to him break into another laughing fit. “Ha ha, I get it you hate me, very funny.” It didn’t stop. “You could just say ‘ **no** ’ like a normal person!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Ed caught his breath. “It’s just... _ that’s _ what you called me for? You came crawling back to ask me to go on a  _ date _ with you? Never ever in a gazillion years! Me and you?  _ Dating _ ?”

He started laughing again. Oswald gritted his teeth and pulled the phone away from his ear, shouting at it. “I get it! You don’t have to be a dick about it! Have a terrible day you asshole!”

* * *

_ Present... _

Jim turned to Oswald with a confused look. “You called him?”

Oswald stared at Ed with narrowed eyes. “I  **did** . But  _ nothing _ about that conversation gave me any indication that he would  _ show  _ **_up_ ** .”

All Ed did was shrug. “Plans change. Now  _ please  _ explain why Jim’s here.”

However, before anyone could answer, Ed gasped. “Wait! I know why he’s here. This  _ is _ a trap, isn’t it? It was all just a scam so you could have Jim arrest me!”

Jim quirked an eyebrow. “Have you done anything warranting an arrest?”

“No! Maybe some light, underground, fighting, but that’s not like a real crime.” Ed held up a finger. “I’d like to point out that Lee is also part of it, so if you arrest me you have to arrest her too.”

“Uh huh. Didn’t you also say you had a gun earlier?”

Ed turned a little pale. “What? No. Maybe? It’s not like it’s illegal to carry a gun, you do it.”

“Yeah, but do you have a license?”

“I…” He swallowed and then pointed at Oswald. “I can’t believe you would trap me like this! I thought you were going to leave me alone until I became smart again! But no, you called me here, using your dead mother as leverage, to be your fake boyfriend, just so you could-”

“Wait, what?” Now Jim looked at Oswald too. “You called  _ him _ to be your fake boyfriend too?”

“What do you mean t-” Ed stopped and his jaw fell. “ _ That’s _ why Jim’s here?”

Oswald held up his hands. “I-I can explain.”

Then there it was...another knock at the door. Oswald glanced at the door and then to the two men. Then he started pushing them into a storage room on the side.

“I can explain later! Right now you two stay in here and stay quiet! I’ll be back for you, uh, for one of you soon.”

There were protests from Jim and Ed, but Oswald slammed the door on them before rushing to the main door. He tried to get his head to stop spinning, and fanned himself before grabbing for the handle  _ yet again _ . He took another deep breath and opened it. There was already a conversation going on outside.

“And that’s why I'm not allowed at the ice rink anymore. So if you could-” Zsasz stopped talking when he saw Oswald. "Hey boss! Look who I ran into!"

Victor Fries stood next to him, cold radiating off of his suit. "I would like an explanation."

Oswald stood there a moment, and then whispered to himself. "Oh no."

He grabbed the newcomers and brought everyone into the side room. After some brief shouting between Jim and Ed, everyone was sitting down in a circle on extra chairs in the storage room. Zsasz raised his hand.

"Okay, let me get this straight. You called all of us here...to be your fake boyfriend?"

Oswald sighed. "Unfortunately, yes."

"So...to clarify we're not here for a porno?"

" **What** ?"

Everyone gawked at Zsasz with some level of shock.

Zsasz shrugged.  "Everyone was thinking it."

"No," Jim shook his head, "no one was thinking that."

"Really? You see when Oswald called me, he started by asking if I wanted to make some extra money, and we all know what that means." He held out his arms, looking for support.

No one gave it to him. Ed did lean forward though. "Wait, Oswald offered to  _ pay _ you?"

"Yeah, but he didn't mention  _ you'd _ be here." Zsasz looked back at Oswald. "Not my type, I charge double."

Oswald frowned. "Zsasz, I'm not paying you anymore."

"Oh. Well then your options are limited to Jim, I'd take him for free."

Jim sputtered. "Excuse me?"

"You're no Alvarez, but it's a very close second." Zsasz leaned back, looking around the room. "Know what? Scratch that, Nygma's the only one I'd charge for."

Ed scoffed, offended. "What? You'd sleep with the human refrigerator over me?"

Fries tilted his head slightly. "I didn't know you wanted to be an ice sculpture again."

Oswald stood up before a new argument could start. "Everyone be quiet! Victor, no one's getting frozen tonight. Ed, no one cares. Zsasz, for the last time there will be no porn, and no payment. You said 'no' when I called, remember?"

"Well yeah, but that's when I thought you were calling about...uh, something else. But I can act in and out of bed, so if you're hiring a fake boyfriend, I can do that too."

Ed sat up. "If he's getting paid, I want to get paid."

Oswald rubbed his temples. "No one is getting paid! If you think you're getting paid, you can leave."

Fries held up his hand. “Um...I’m still a little confused on what’s happening here. Could we, could we go over that again? The voicemails you left me didn’t make any sense, and it’s only been arguing since I got here.”

Oswald sighed and sank back into his chair. “Okay, I will explain the situation one more time, and that’s it. So everyone, please be quiet and hold all your questions until the end.”

He waited until he had everyone’s attention. “Alright, from the top. My mother is visiting from her safehouse and we’re going to have dinner. Based on things said in the past, she believes I will have a partner at this dinner. So, in my search, I called and asked all of you to help me. However, I didn’t expect  _ any _ of you to show up, much less  _ all _ of you, and that’s where we are.”

Ed asked the first question. “Why didn’t you come clean to your mother? I’m sure you had to be in communication to arrange this dinner in the first place.”

“You see...that’s because my mother can be a little...intense.”

Jim made an addition from the side. “I can seconded that.”

“Yes, so I didn’t have the heart to tell her.”

Ed slowly nodded his head. “Uh huh, so you’d rather lie to her?”

“No…” Oswald didn't meet his eye, “this is more about protecting her and her feelings. After the dinner I can always make up some excuse for why it didn’t work out, but I want this one night to go right.”

Zsasz was next up. “Not to be judgmental, but if you’re looking for a normal dinner, why’d you invite Fries?”

“What?”

“Why’d you call Fries? It just seems like an odd choice.”

“That’s-That’s because he’s a...friend of mine. I was just calling everyone I knew.”

Then Fries held up his phone. “I would also like to point out that in one of the twelve voicemails I received, he said he asked me because I was, quote, ‘Super hot for being super cold’. There was another that said-”

Oswald was quick to run over and snatch the phone away. “It doesn’t matter! I’m not great at voicemails, okay? They stress me out.”

Zsasz raised an eyebrow, but then relaxed. “Okay, I understand now. Fries just wouldn’t have been my first choice. If I were your mother...that relationship would raise more questions for me than if you showed up single. No offense.”

Fries shifted in his armor. “For your information, I would be an excellent boyfriend. After all, I’m the only one here who’s been happily married.” Then he paused before turning to Oswald. “On that note, who  _ is _ going to be your date?”

Oswald glanced around, opening and closing his mouth a few times. “I-I don’t know. I only need one of you. So, if there’s any brave volunteer who’s willing to stay, I would appreciate it.”

Nobody moved, they all just looked at each other. Then Oswald decided to go a different direction. “How about we go the other way? If you want to leave, please stand up.”

He waited for the scooting of chairs as everyone jumped up and bee-lined for the door, but nothing happened. Everyone remained seated. A little perplexed, Oswald tried again.

“Okay, I understand Ed not being able to follow directions, but I think I’ve made this pretty simple for the rest of you. So let’s try this one more time, if you  _ want _ to be my fake boyfriend, stay, but if you want to  _ leave _ , then leave.”

It looked like Ed was going to get up, but instead he adjusted himself in the chair. All the men remained still, the only thing they did was eye each other. The silence was broken when Fried cautiously lifted his hand.

“This is getting nowhere, I’ll volunteer.”

As if waiting for that moment, Jim’s hand shot up into the air. “I volunteer as well.”

Ed glared at him and then put up his hand. “Oh I am not letting  _ Jim _ win this.”

Oswald put his hands on his hips. “This is not a competition!”

Zsasz, who was sitting back and scanning the room, chuckled. “It is now; and I would also like to compete for your hand.”

“No! That’s not… My  _ hand _ ? This isn’t a fake marriage, this is one date! A date that, may I remind you, none of you seemed thrilled about before!”

There were some murmurs, and then Jim spoke up. “Well...I already explained my reasoning for being here.”

“Me too.” Ed crossed his arms. “And I’d like to add to my reasoning by saying I don’t want you to go on a date with Jim.”

“What is your problem with me? Are you jealous, is that it? Because there are two other people here.” Jim turned in his chair.

“Yes, but it’s not like I see either of them as a threat.”

Objections erupted from the group. Zsasz casually pulled out a knife. “You don’t see me as a threat? I’ll show you a threat.”

Ed drew his gun. “Do it, I dare you.”

Jim was the one to jump between them, wrestling the gun from Edward and giving a warning look to Zsasz. “Stop it! Both of you shut up and sit down!"

After a tense moment, the two men backed down, but Jim stayed in the middle. "Good. Now, like Oswald said this isn't a competition. This should be taken seriously, so if you're only here to  _ win _ something or because you're  _ bored _ , you should leave. Any questions so far?"

"Yeah." It came from Fries. "Who are you to decide if we're not serious? Who put you in charge?"

"I'm in charge because some of the people here can't behave. But…" Jim sat down himself, "with things settled, I think Oswald should be in charge."

"M-Me?" Oswald blinked.

"Yeah, we're all here for you...serious or not." He spared a glare at Ed. "So why don't you go ahead and pick?"

"Pick? I...I get to pick?"

"Yep."

"You mean…" Oswald looked around, "I can  _ choose _ ? I can just point at any one of you and you'd be my boyfriend, uh fake boyfriend?"

Ed rolled his eyes. "And  _ I'm _ the one who has trouble grasping concepts?"

Oswald was still in shock. He continued staring at the four men. The four handsome men who were all willing to be his date. Four handsome men he, Oswald Cobblepot, could simply  **_choose_ ** from.

"I uh...well then I... I choose…" He paused, looking at all their expectant faces. "I choose... I choose to go with the competition idea!"

His decision received mixed reviews from Jim and Zsasz.

"Oh come on!"

"Yes! I already have ideas."

Ed jumped up to point at Jim. "Ha! Look at you, Jim Gordon the loser."

Jim also stood up, cracking his knuckles. "Oh it hasn't even started yet."

Ed squeaked and clamored onto his chair. "H-Hey, hey fighting isn't one of the challenges! Is it, Oswald?"

He looked helplessly to Oswald, who was almost done processing the situation. "No, no fighting."

Jim shook out his fists, not taking his eyes off of Ed. "Fine. So what are these  **challenges** anyway?"

"Well...given I haven't had any time to consider it, and we don't have a lot of time until my mother arrives... I have no idea. Zsasz, you mentioned you had some thoughts?"

Before Zsasz could answer, Fries cut in. "Wait, how will we know he's not going to pick challenges weighted in his favor?"

Zsasz patted the metal clad shoulder. "Come now, that implies that there are things I’m not good at. But I promise all my ideas are fair, and most importantly, useful for decision-making. Originally, I was going to have us duke it out, but since you said ‘no fighting’ I guess we could try something like mock interviews?”

“Mock interviews?” Oswald rested his chin on his fist. “A little like those speed dating things I’ve been-  _ seen _ , that I’ve seen. I think that might actually be helpful. I have an idea of what my mother would ask too, so it could give you all a chance to pretend to meet her.”

Ed had his objection of course. “Um, if that’s the case, I think Jim should be disqualified. He’s met your mother before, so he has an advantage in this challenge.”

Jim shrugged. “That’s true. It’s almost like I’m the most qualified candidate so we shouldn’t even  **need** a challenge.”

Ed made a few annoyed noises before Oswald cut in. “Gentlemen please, we’re doing it this way and that’s final. No one has any clear advantages or disadvantages, but if you keep squabbling I’ll start deducting points.”

Ed raised his hand. “There’s a point system now? Do we start with points or do we gain them? Are you stopping at zero, or could someone get negative points? Is there a number of points needed to win, or is it just whoever has the most at the end? How do we gain-”

“That’s it, five point deduction.”

“We’re going in  **five** point increments?”

“Want to make it ten?”

Ed opened his mouth, but then slapped his hand over it. Oswald made sure he wouldn’t be interrupted before continuing. “I should also like to add that everyone should be  **silent** during the interview process. Alright then…um, Victor, why don’t you go first?”

Fries and Zsasz both stood up and looked at each other. Then they both tried letting the other go first, until Oswald interrupted.

“Fries. Victor  _ Fries _ , why don’t you go first?”

So, with some polite nodding, both Victors sat down, but in different places. Zsasz sat in his chair while Fries sat across from Oswald. It took him a few tries to get his armor to fit comfortably in the seat. Oswald smiled at him.

“Hello Mr. Fries, glad you could-”

“Doctor.”

“What?”

“It’s  _ Dr. _ Fries. I didn’t acquire years of student debt to be called Mr.”

“Oh right, I’m sorry I-”

“It’s alright, it happens with everyone in this town. You turn into a freezing cold criminal and suddenly everyone forgets you have a degree.”

“Well,” Oswald cleared his throat, “I’m sure it would impress my mother that I’d be dating a doctor. Although I’m sure her first question would be ‘where’s the white coat’?”

He laughed at his joke attempt, but Fries didn’t seem as amused. “Then I’ll just tell her that I can’t wear one because I’ll die if I take this suit off for too long.”

“Right. That...that will be an excellent conversation starter.” There was a moment of awkward silence. “So...why are you interested in the position of fake boyfriend?”

Fries nodded. “Ah yes. I would like to accompany you to this dinner for several reasons. One of course, is that I find you to be one of the most interesting people in this city. You’re also one of the most attractive.”

Oswald felt his cheeks get warm as he tried to wave the compliment away. “Please, I’m not...why thank-”

“Second only to my dearly beloved Nora, God rest her soul.”

“Oh. Yes. Your dead wife.”

“She was beautiful, the light of my life, my reason for living.” Fries looked off for a minute and then back to Oswald. “But as I said, you’re a close second.”

“Thanks, exactly what I wanted to hear.” He leaned forward. “So...what are some of those other reasons?”

“Ah yes, another reason is that I believe there was some chemistry between us. From the moment you found me stripped down in my home and I pinned you against the wall.” There were a few odd looks from the other men behind Fries’ back, but he kept talking. “All the way to the time I froze that horrible green man.”

Oswald glanced at Ed, who was fidgeting in his seat on the brink of an outburst, and then Oswald smiled back at Fries. “Mhm, that was a night to remember. I was so thankful to have you on my side. With all your smarts and your rock hard abs.”

“The pleasure was all mine. It was so nice to see you happy and successful. It was also nice to see that my method for freezing people worked. It worked like it should’ve worked for Nora…”

He got that far off look again, which made Oswald cross his arms and sigh. “Uh huh, your poor dead wife again.”

“If only I had had more time I could’ve saved her. We would’ve grown old together, maybe moving out to the country like she wanted.”

“Yeah...well speaking of time, I think ours is up. I will take your performance into consideration though.”

Fries was quiet for a second longer. “Thank you, but you don’t have to. Thinking about it...I’m not sure I’m ready to move on and start dating again. I think I’m still too attached to Nora. My dear sweet Nora.”

“No? Really?” Oswald quickly moved on from his sarcasm. “I-I mean, you’re probably right.”

“Although this would’ve been an excellent opportunity to get out more. I don’t leave my cave too often.” Fries stood up and offered his hand. “I wish you the best of luck as you continue your search.”

“Thank you.” Oswald shook it. “And I’m sorry, um  _ still _ sorry for your loss.”

“I appreciate it.” He gave a solemn nod and headed for the door, his frozen armor clunking the whole way. He stopped and gave the remaining men a look, and then ended on Oswald. “But give me a call if you need any more ice sculptures, living or otherwise, I’ve been practicing my carving.”

“Will do, Victor. Have a good evening.”

With that, Victor Fries was out of the competition and out of the room. There was at least a second of silence before Victor  _ Zsasz _ clapped his hands.

“Well...guess I’ll go next.”

Ed jumped up. “Hey! Who says you’re going next? I want to go next.”

“Too bad beanpole, Victor was called first, and as the second Victor I get to go second.”

“Oswald!”

Oswald ignored Ed’s whine with a shrug. “He’s got a point, I was a little misleading with the names earlier so it’s only fair he goes second.”

“I don’t think it’s fair at all.” Ed slumped back into his seat.

“Patience is a virtue, Ed.” Victor said as he moved his chair and sat down in front of Oswald. Then he gave a wink. “Although you’re difficult to wait for.”

Such smooth talking made Oswald blush. “Well then, I better not keep you waiting any longer.”

Victor threw one leg over the other and leaned forward. “So let’s get to it, hit me with your best shot. Give me your hardest question.”

“Oh the hardest question, huh? I can admire your confidence.” Oswald straightened himself. “Alright, I have a few of my mother’s most awkward questions lined up. First off, do you have all of your teeth?”

“Yep.” Zsasz flashed a pearly white smile. “I even have the baby ones back home. And a few that aren’t my own.”

“Oh. That...that took a turn, but...I appreciate your honesty.”

“I’m not afraid of the truth. No matter what weird question you ask, Victor Zsasz will have an answer.”

Oswald smiled a little. “An honest man...that’s hard to find in this town. How about something more mundane, do you prefer cats or dogs?”

“Neither, I’m a vegetarian, but that’s fine because I prefer them as pets anyway.”

“That’s not- nevermind.” Oswald paused and then leaned in towards the confidant assassin. “You are an interesting specimen Mr. Zsasz, but in an oddly charming way.”

“I tend to have that effect on people. Which is why I’m sure I could enchant even your mother at dinner tonight.”

“You may be right about that, you’re both a bit...unorthodox in ways. So now there’s one more question I’d like to ask.”

Zsasz cracked his neck. “I’m ready.”

“Why do you want the role of my boyfriend?”

There was a single beat and then Zsasz stood up. “Pass. Come back to me later, I’ve got to think about this one. Nygma, you’re up.”

“Finally!” Ed was out of his chair in a flash

Oswald let his mouth open and close, still trying to catch up. “W-Wait, what? Victor…”

Before he could say any more, Ed slid into the seat across from him. “Why hello there.”

Oswald watched Zsasz pace around the back of the room, hoping he’d come back soon, but no, apparently it was Ed’s turn. Oswald took a second to regain his composure and then folded his hands in his lap.

“Hello, Edward. Same question, what brings you here today?”

“Plain and simple,  _ you _ .”

There was a tiny flutter in Oswald’s chest, hearing Ed talk like that after all this time, but he couldn’t let the man win by slipping into his old feelings. “Uh huh. I thought earlier you said you were only here because Lee kicked you out. That you had nothing better to do.”

“Of course I had nothing better to do, what could be better than a romantic dinner with you?”

Goddammit, Oswald had only just gotten rid of his blush and now here it was again. However as he thought about those sweet words he was reminded of another romantic dinner from their past. If only Ed had shown such enthusiasm that night… As his thoughts started to drift, there was an interrupting throat clearing from Jim.

“I uh, I know I’m not supposed to say anything, but I would like to point out that he specifically said he wasn’t here for  _ you _ as soon as he walked in the door.”

Ed spun around in his chair. “I don’t remember ever saying that. I also don’t remember asking for your input.”

Jim held up his hands. “I just want to make sure we’re on the same page. Zsasz wasn’t here for that, I thought I would get him caught up.”

“ _ Sure _ .” Ed whipped back to Oswald. “I hope you deduct some of  _ his _ points for interrupting.”

Oswald found it hard not to roll his eyes. “Don’t worry, I have everyone’s totals up here. Now, back to us...why don’t you tell me what qualifies you for this position?”

“Qualifications? I’d be such a great fake boyfriend I’d actually say I’m overqualified for this position.” Ed seemed to notice his mistake right away. “That’s uh...that’s not what I meant. I mean I have plenty of qualifications to be a boyfriend. I can cook, mother’s like men who cook, I uh, I know that song she sings so that’s a personal thing we can connect over. Speaking of,  _ we _ had such a good time together back then so we have that history and uh...chemistry to make it believable!”

That was true, but it took Oswald by surprise. Hearing that Ed thought they had  _ chemistry _ . Except he tried to look past the excitement and started to wonder how genuine this was. Maybe Ed had always felt this way, but things just weren’t meant to be at that time...or Ed could just be saying these things to  _ win _ this little competition and feed his ego. Oswald still couldn’t bite back his smile though.

“That’s...that’s true. It’s important to sell it, we...we want it to be real.”

Ed leaned forward. “Exactly! I mean you were in love with me before so now…”

Oswald pulled back in his chair. Oh that had hit a sour note. At least Ed seemed smart enough to pick up on that, so he sat up straight, a crack of nervousness. “W-Well you know my qualifications, and that I can be a great conversationalist. I always have a riddle to break the...well I used to. But even in my current state I know I would be a fine candidate.” 

“A fine candidate indeed.” He smiled politely and offered his hand. “You certainly made your case, Mr. Nygma.”

Ed shook it and put his other hand on top. “Glad to hear it.”

They had a small moment and then Ed slowly let go of his hand. There was the ghost of a spark left before Jim filled the seat.

“So…” Jim sat casually with one arm around the back of the chair, “do you have any difficult questions for me? Maybe you want to see my resume?”

His tone and his smirk made Oswald snicker. “I would love too, as well as your glowing reference letters.”

Jim laughed. “Oh darn, I think I left those at home. I guess we’ll just have to skip this ridiculous process since we’ve known each other for years, and I already told you why I’m here. I’m here for you, I’m here for you mom, and that’s really all I have to say.”

Oswald nodded lightly. “You are absolutely right, and while I appreciate a man who can be so blunt...how can I know that you’ll be a good fake boyfriend? We may look convincing on paper, but how would you prove we were a couple?”

“Hm…” Jim looked off to the side, deep in thought, and then he looked back at Oswald, “probably like this.”

It wasn’t totally unexpected, but when Jim moved towards him, Oswald froze. When Jim’s lips met his, any and all thoughts were gone from his brain. All he could do was close his eyes and lean into it. It felt incredible, the pressure and movement of Jim’s lips, a little sweet with a bitter note. It actually made Oswald let out a quiet moan. He didn’t know how much time had passed, but it couldn’t have been too long since they didn’t have a chance to deepen their kiss before Jim pulled away.

Oswald was still in a state of awe. His mouth open a little and his eyes wide. Jim just sat back in his chair and smiled.

“So what do you think? Convinced I could play your boyfriend?”

Oswald could barely formulate thoughts, much less any words. But Ed had plenty of words.

“Excuse me? How was that fair? That’s cheating, he cheated!”

Jim glanced over. “How is it cheating? There was no rule saying we couldn’t kiss.”

“But, but...but...but it’s not fair! How come you get to kiss Oswald and I don’t?”

“No one said you couldn’t.”

Ed let out a huff and then looked at Oswald. “Could I kiss you next? I think it’s only right I get a chance.”

From the corner of the room, Zsasz stopped his pacing. “Are we doing a kissing contest now? Because I want in.”

Oswald had never felt this level of panic before. Sure he’d been in life or death situations and he took plenty of gambles, but those felt a lot different from this. The only thing that came close was earlier this evening when he’d been asked to choose between his four suitors, but this? Good Lord, he’d just gotten to kiss  _ James Gordon _ of all people, and now the men were lining up! Maybe this whole night was a dream. It was possible he was so stressed about his mother visiting Gotham that he passed out.

He looked between Ed and Zsasz, trying to form words. “Um...uh, well...um…” He had to swallow and start again. “S-Sure! It’s important to have a sense of physicality, right?”

Zsasz tilted his head side to side. “Not necessarily, some relationships don’t need touching at all.”

“Well...this one does.”

Zsasz’s eyes flicked over Oswald’s figure, followed by a pause. “Noted.”

The attention made Oswald’s whole face go red. “Noted how? W-What kind of note did you take?”

“Don’t worry about it.” Then he clapped his hands. “So, what’s the deal with this kissing contest? What are the rules? How do we do this?”

Jim looked up at the assassin by his shoulder. “You guys are way too obsessed with rules. I didn’t need any rules, so I think you can just go in for a kiss.”

“Oh. Well then.” Zsasz was quick to make his move. He leaned over and gave Jim a sudden kiss on the lips.

The whole room was still for a moment, except for Zsasz who seemed perfectly at ease. Ed’s face was scrunched in either disgust or confusion, and Oswald didn’t know  **what** he was feeling watching it. It was...a  _ sight _ no matter how short it was.

Afterwards, Jim continued staring into space before opening his mouth. “O-Oswald. I meant...you could kiss  _ Oswald _ .”

Zsasz looked between them. “ _ Oh _ . Yeah that makes more sense. I can do that too. I can do whatever, I’m down for anything.” He glanced at Ed. “Almost anything.”

Ed crossed his arms. “Can I ask what your problem with me is?”

“Hm…” Zsasz simply stared, causing yet another moment of stillness. Although this one had a different kind of tension. Then he just shrugged it off. “I don’t know. I just don’t see it. Maybe it’s something with...your face?”

“My  _ face _ ?”

“Your eyebrows perhaps? Yeah...your eyebrows give me bad vibes. They creep me out.”

Suddenly everyone was scrutinizing Ed’s face. Oswald, especially, was looking, but he really couldn’t see any problem. He thought Ed’s eyebrows were kind of cute, and those cheekbones...they were probably sharper than the knife in Oswald’s pocket. He continued to stare, but was distracted when Jim leaned towards Ed for a closer look. For a second Oswald thought there might be another unexpected kiss, but then he realized he had to get his head out of the gutter and remember what they were supposed to be doing.

Oswald shifted in his chair, trying to clear the air with a joke. “Well good thing this isn’t an eyebrow contest. Because...Ed I believe you were next.”

“That’s right, I am.” He turned his attention to Oswald with a smile. “So, may I?”

The gentleness of his tone made Oswald smile back. “You may, it is your turn after all.”

Jim got out of the main chair, leaving it open for Ed, but Ed didn’t seem to pay it any mind. Instead, he just acted like no one else was there and put a hand on Oswald’s cheek. Oswald wasn’t sure when he stopped breathing, but it was probably right before Ed guided their lips together. It was so soft and deliberate, it felt like a good fit.

Ed pulled away, but their gazes were locked. Ed’s eyes were so beautiful when they weren’t full of hatred. Now they were bright and doe-like, and maybe in this moment...they held the opposite of hate. Oswald was brought back to the time they shared in Ed’s apartment and then at the Van Dahl manor. No, no he shouldn’t be focusing too much on the past, he had to be in the present, unbiased.

He turned away, letting Ed’s hand slide from his blushing cheek. As he did, he caught a glimpse of Jim in the background, who was looking down and away. Was that a sign of aversion, or maybe a little bit of jealousy? He thought of Ed’s reaction to his kiss with Jim, Ed’s expression held a hint of envy too. Could it really be true that these men were  _ jealous _ of each other, and that being Oswald’s boyfriend was more than a competition? That didn’t seem likely, the prize here was bragging rights, not Oswald.

He finally looked to Zsasz with a polite smile. At least there was one person here who wasn’t fueled by a ridiculous rivalry “I believe that leaves you.”

“Saving the best for last I see, smart choice.” He slid into the empty seat and reached out to hold Oswald’s face in his hands.

However, instead of leaning in for the expected kiss, Zsasz turned Oswald’s face every which way as if he were inspecting it. Then he took his hands away and made a viewfinder with his fingers. From the sidelines, Ed scooched a little closer, watching what Zsasz was doing with occasional glances at Oswald’s face.

On the other side, Jim rolled his eyes. “ **What** are you doing?”

“Shhh.” Zsasz didn’t take his eyes off Oswald. “My kisses are a work of art, and therefore I need things to be perfect.”

“You didn’t do any of that for me.”

Now Zsasz looked at Jim and fluttered his lashes. “I can offer you a redo.”

“Uh...no thanks.”

Zsasz turned back to Oswald. He stared intensely for about five seconds, making his subject more and more nervous, and then he nodded. “Alright, I’ve got it.”

Oswald was practically squirming in his seat from all the scrutiny and anticipation. This kiss had better be worth it. Zsasz cradled Oswald’s face once again, but this time he tilted it slightly before leaning in. His lips ghosted over Oswald’s at first, it was almost like an electric shock. Then came the actual kiss that was focused on Oswald’s bottom lip, but expanded to involve his whole mouth. Zsasz’s hand also shifted to the back of Oswald’s neck, making the hairs stand on end. It was the gradualness that really did it, but things had to come to an end when Zsasz poked his tongue at Oswald’s lips.

Flustered, Oswald had to fan himself a bit before speaking. “That um...that was…”

Zsasz leaned back and wiggled his non-existent eyebrows. “Five out of five stars, right? I told you,  _ art _ . Rethinking your answer, Jimbo?”

He glanced back at the detective who in turn ignored him to look at Oswald. “So what’s the verdict? Who are you going with?”

Honestly, Oswald was still collecting himself after all those kisses, but he had to say something. “Um...well...based off of this recent  _ activity _ , and your answers from the interviews I…”

“Wait!” Ed held up his hands. “Wait, Zsasz never answered his final question. Is that grounds for disqualification?”

“Oh, right.” Oswald gestured at Zsasz. “Well it’s not a big deal, you can answer now. Why are you here?”

Zsasz pursed his lips. “Why...are  _ any _ of us here?”

“That’s not really an answer. Why are you here  _ specifically _ ?”

His eyes darted to the side. “Um...twenty-four!”

“What? Zsasz...this is a simple question.”

Looking uncomfortable, Zsasz jumped up. “I don’t know! I’m just... _ here _ , I didn’t have a reason.”

Oswald was more than a little surprised. “Zsasz, you...you don’t really need-”

Zsasz held up a hand and sighed. “No. No I sat there and listened to everyone else’s reasoning and I...I just don’t think I’m the best choice here.”

“Zsasz, wait…” While Zsasz wasn’t Oswald’s first choice, he would miss the neutral party.

“Oswald, boss, it’s been a pleasure, but I don’t have the same feelings for you that the rest of these guys have.”

Ed and Jim both shuffled their feet, mumbling. “Feelings...I don’t have...that’s not…”

Zsasz took Oswald’s hand and placed a kiss on it. “I wish you all the best though, and if you’re ever in need of more  _ art _ ...let me know. Or, you know, an assassination. I’m a lover and a fighter.”

He walked backwards, throwing up a peace sign, but then paused by Jim. “Same goes for you. Drop me a line anytime.”

He gave Jim a pat on the shoulder and continued his peaceful exit. Once the door was closed, Ed looked at it.

“Um...what just happened? Simply being here  _ was _ a reason. He-He’s the one who suggested this.”

Jim shrugged. “I’m chalking it up to... _ it’s Zsasz _ . The only way to get a guarantee from him is with money.” Then he looked at Oswald. “So...here we are, down to two. Who’s it going to be?”

“Um…” Oswald looked between the two remaining men, “you both did really well. It’s-It’s a tough decision. Can I...take a moment?”

The contenders took a step back, giving him space. This was going to be a very tough decision, and even though the guys were supposed to keep things professional...neither of them were known for being a gracious loser. Oswald also didn’t want to alienate one or the other because this decision didn’t have to last forever and if another opportunity like this arises he might change his mind. A part of him liked each man and it was so hard to pick just one!

But then, Ed had to break the silence. “I know you’re thinking, but before you make your choice I just want to say...that our  _ true _ friendship meant so much, and I’ll admit I miss it.”

It was a little out of the blue, but still incredibly touching for Oswald to hear. Jim, not so much. He raised an eyebrow as he side-eyed Ed.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?  _ True _ friendship?”

“Oh. Well it’s just that the friendship Oswald and I had was real. I didn’t try to backstab him or take advantage of him like...someone else.”

Jim angled his whole body towards Ed. “ _ Really _ ? Aren’t you the one who, I don’t know,  **shot** him?”

Ed looked at the ground. “Y-Yes, but...at least I had the decency to do it to his face.”

“The  **_decency_ ** ? More like the fucking  **_audacity_ ** .”

Oswald, who wasn’t thrilled at the prospects of a fight breaking out,  _ was _ thankful that it prolonged his decision-making.

“I had my reasons!” Ed said defensively. “He froze me!”

“ _ After _ you shot him.”

“Oh. Right. Well he killed my girlfriend.”

Jim crossed his arms and tilted his head. “Didn’t you kill Kristen? Also...didn’t you kill Dougherty  _ because _ he was dating Kristen?”

“No, it’s because I loved her, and he wasn’t right for her, and…” Suddenly Ed gasped and looked at Oswald. “Oh my God, is this what you felt when you killed Isabella?”

Oswald gave a quick shrug of his shoulders. Jim was the one to talk however.

“Who the hell is Isabella?”

“She was my girlfriend when Oswald was mayor, but then he was jealous and killed her. Although I don’t know why because apparently he had a mystery boyfriend at that time who’s supposed to be at this dinner-”

“Oh my God…” Jim pinched the bridge of his nose and walked away.

“What? What is it?”

“It’s  **you** !”

“Me? What do you mean it’s me?”

Rolling his eyes, Jim gestured to Oswald and then everybody looked at him. Oswald wanted to sink into his chair and disappear after seeing Ed’s confused expression. Since he couldn’t, Oswald sighed and put a hand over his eyes.

“It’s you, Ed.” Slowly he looked up. “You’re the boyfriend I mentioned to my mother.”

Realization finally hit him and Ed’s jaw fell open. “ **What** ? But...but we never...I never...”

“I know.” Oswald groaned and covered his face again. “It was...at the time I thought…”

He let out another big sigh and pulled his hands away. “I called my mother the night of the dinner, the...the one you  _ missed _ . I was excited to tell her that I was going to have dinner with my...boyfriend, because at that time I thought it was a pretty surefire thing. As we all know...that didn’t happen. Then she called me a few days ago insisting that she visit, and...that she wanted to meet my boyfriend. The boyfriend that I forgot to tell her I didn’t get. Originally I was going to say that he was sick or he couldn’t make it and then I could say we broke up soon after she left, but...she was so excited over the phone and I-I didn’t have the heart to tell her what really happened. So…” he quickly gestured to Ed, “that’s the full story, that’s why we’re here.”

There was a heavy silence in the air for a while. Then Ed looked at Jim. “Wait, how did  **you** know it was about me?”

“Despite the fact that it was obvious? I may not have been involved with the politics, but every tabloid was covering the rumors in City Hall.”

“Oh.” He looked to Oswald next. “So...I should probably be the one to go with you, right? I’m the cause of this after all, the supposed boyfriend.”

“Yes...and no. I never gave my mother a name, or even a description really so my partner could be anyone. And while you were the original...time’s changed and...so have my feelings for you. Back then I loved you, but now…” Oswald looked at Edward. The man he loved, the man who tortured him, the one he was so excited to kiss, yet the one who had laughed at the idea over the phone. “I don’t know.”

Ed was quiet, staring at the floor for some time. “I see. So...I probably  _ shouldn’t _ be the one.”

Oswald sighed and shook his head. “I...I don’t know. In all honesty, you’re pretty even. I’ve loved both of you at some point, there’s been highs and lows, good points, bad points, and-and now we’re all in the same fucking room! I...I  _ don’t know _ !”

He looked up at the two men who were looking back at him with a mix of concern and tenderness. After a moment of glancing between them, he just gave a small shrug. “I’d choose both of you if I could, but I can’t. I also can’t pick one of you.”

There was a beat and then Jim pursed his lips. “So...not to be that guy, but...technically I was here first.”

“ _ Wow _ .” Ed dragged it out as he shot a look over to Jim. “Well if you’re playing that card, technically he  **called** me first.”

Oswald rolled his eyes and he tilted his head to the ceiling. “Ugh,  **men** . Did neither of you listen to me? I can’t choose! And since I can’t choose  _ one _ of you, I’m choosing  _ none _ of you!”

“ _ What _ ?” Ed’s eyes were wide.

“You heard me.” Oswald stood up and walked between them. “I’ve decided I’m just going to tell my mother the truth and go alone.”

“So...all of this was for nothing?”

“I guess so, but...it was nice to get out.” He paused at the door. “And for the record...I also called Jim first.”

Jim looked confused at first, but then he smiled a little. “Cool.”

“And now…” Oswald opened the door and gestured outward, “I’ll have to ask both of you to leave.”

“Why?” Wait, that voice didn’t belong to either of them. That was a woman’s voice.

Oswald looked into the main hall and saw his mother standing there. He also saw his two previous suitors beside her. Gertrud tried to peer past Oswald.

“Are there more people in there?”

At her question, Jim and Ed poked their heads out of the door frame. Gertrud’s eyes lit up and her mouth formed a perfect ‘o’ before she pointed at Jim. “Oh! It’s-It’s  _ you _ ! The handsome party man, the uh...the sexy policeman Ozzy talked about!”

“ _ Mother _ !” Oswald hissed.

Jim just chuckled and gave her a wave. “Nice to see you again Ms. Kapelput.”

“Gertrud, please.” Then she looked at Ed. “And now who is this?”

“I’m surprised you haven’t heard of me.” Ed stuck out his hand with a flourish. “I’m the Ridd-”

Oswald smacked his hand back. “This is Edward Nygma. H-He was my chief of staff.”

Gertrud nodded. “Ah, the mayor days. Wow, just wow.”

There was a pause as she looked at all the men. “Quite the array you have. A cop, a government official, a  _ doctor _ , and a...” She ended on Zsasz. “I’m sorry what did you do?”

“Dance instructor.” His response got a weird look from Oswald.

“And a dance instructor!” Gertrud smiled proudly. “You know, any mother would be proud of her son dating any one of these successful men, but you got all four in the same place!”

Oswald turned his confused look on his mother. “Wait...wait, what?”

“Well, there’s one, two, three, four of them here; and when I ran into  _ this one _ outside…” she put a hand on Fries’ arm, “he said that he was here for you. That’s what this one said too when we met him in the stairwell, so I can only assume that those two are  _ also _ here for you.”

Everyone looked at Ed and Jim who were still lingering behind Oswald. Oswald glanced back and then to his mother again. “Yes. But...I can explain. You see all four of them are actually-”

Gertrud raised her hands. “Oh no, no, no I get it, trust me.”

“I...I don’t think you do.”

“No, no. I know I seem very old-fashioned, but that’s only the way I dress and the way I petition to have cursive be taught in schools. But I assure you I am quite progressive.”

Zsasz pumped his fist. “Woo. Free the nip am I right?”

He held his hand up for a high-five, but Gertrud just pushed it down. “Honey, I’ve been doing that since the 1970s, get some new material.”

Oswald was close with his mother, but he didn’t need to know everything. “Hold on, can-can we go back to the…”

“Yes, yes of course!” Gertrud turned back to Oswald, taking his hands. “Ozzy, darling, I’ve always told you that life only gives you one true love, but...maybe that’s just for me. Life might give you one or two, or... **four** , and who am I to judge?”

Oswald had no response. He quickly glanced at Zsasz and Fries behind Gertrud. Fries shrugged and Zsasz gave two thumbs up. Oswald returned his wide-eyed gaze to his mother.

“A-Are you saying...that…”

“Oswald, I love you anyway you are. Gay, criminal, mayor...dating four guys at once. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy.” Her smile wavered ever so slightly. “Although, I was only prepared to meet one so we’ll have to work on your communication skills.”

A moment passed and then Oswald heard Jim speak beside him.

“Wow.” When Oswald looked back, Jim met his eyes. “You probably have the best mom in the whole world.”

Oswald stared at him, and then at Ed, then Zsasz and Fries, and lastly his mother. Finally, he relaxed and smiled. “I really do.”

Gertrud scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Oh please...I’m doing what any good mother would do. I’m being supportive of you and all four of your ridiculously handsome boyfriends.”

Zsasz put a hand on his heart. “Aw, but you really don’t have to call Nygma handsome, we all know.”

She gave him a quizzical look, but then nodded. “Quite right. Edward’s not handsome...he’s  _ adorable _ !”

She leaned past Oswald to pinch Ed’s cheek. Then she threw up her hands. “Now this calls for a group hug, doesn’t it! Come on, everyone get in here!”

As reluctant as some of the men might’ve been at first, they all succumbed to Gertrud’s hug. It was a comforting embrace, and although Oswald would’ve found it more enjoyable if his mother weren’t in the mix, he had her lack of understanding to thank for it. In the course of less than an hour he’d gone from no boyfriends, to four, to three, to two, to none, and then back to four.

Gertrud broke them up and took one look around the group before clapping her hands once. “Wonderful! Now we can all catch up over dinner, but this old woman could use a glass of champagne and something to eat.”

Oswald put his hands on her shoulders. “You’re absolutely right.” He snapped his fingers. “Mr. Penn!”

Mr. Penn came scurrying up and Gertrud gasped. “Not another boyfriend!”

Before Penn could say anything, Oswald jumped in front of him. “No, no, no, God no.” If anyone was paying attention, they would’ve seen Penn’s face droop as Oswald went on. “Mr. Penn is just an employee, Mother. He helped me get this dinner ready and I’m sure he’d be happy to show you to your seat because I need  _ one _ moment with these gentlemen.”

“Ah, I’ll leave you to it, but don’t keep me waiting too long. I've missed you so so much.” Gertrud squeezed Oswald’s face in her hands and then linked arms with Mr. Penn as they walked further into the club.

Once she was far enough away, Oswald turned on his harem and whispered sternly. “Alright, I don’t know what the hell Fries said to her, but-”

“I didn’t say much actually.” Fries shrugged. “I ran into her as I was leaving and she just started talking to me, asking me to walk her up. I guess when I said I was here because you called me she made her own assumptions.”

Zsasz nodded. “Yeah and then they met me on the stairs. Although it probably didn’t help when I said I just came from kissing you.”

Oswald took a sharp breath. “ **Why** would you say that?”

Fries looked across at Zsasz. “Wait, you got to kiss him?”

“We all did.”

“ _ What _ ? So I leave and that’s when you do all the fun stuff?”

Oswald smacked both of them. “Shut up, everyone shut up. Fries, I guarantee you’ll get your chance later, but for right now you all need to play nice and play along.

“Question…” Jim raised a finger, “are we all dating each other, or are we all just dating you?”

Zsasz shot up a hand. “I want to date Jim. Oh and maybe other Victor too, because I think it’d be funny.”

Fries gave Zsasz an appraising look. “That  _ would _ be funny. And I’d also be fine dating James.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “I was asking, not offering. Besides, aren’t you still hung up on your wife?”

“I had an epiphany on my way out.”

Ed, who had gone too long without talking, tapped his fingers on his chest. “Excuse me? Does no one really want to date me, besides Oswald?”

Jim sighed. “Fine, I’ll date you.”

“R-Really?” Ed turned to him with a new, almost reverent, look.

“Sure. The top two have to stick together, and...I’ll admit you’re not as unattractive as Zsasz may think.”

Ed scoffed, but he also touched his hair as his cheeks turned pink. “Pfft, okay. Whatever  _ Jim _ .”

Oswald could’ve interrupted at any time, but he was so caught up in the imagery of all of them dating each other. The cuddle-piles would be incredible. Victor and Victor, one with his clunky suit and the other with no concern for personal space; and then Ed being in Jim’s arms...

“Fuck.” Oswald quickly shook his head. “I mean shut up. I don’t care what your personal backstories are, but we need to be on the same page about me. My mother believes you’re all dating me, so you’re all dating me, and I’ve met you...well in the order that I’ve met you. Keep your comments and compliments PG rated, and if she asks about any future plans say you don’t know. Everyone got that?”

There were no objections.

“Good, now let’s go out there and have a nice polyamorous dinner for my well-meaning mother.” Oswald clapped his hands as a way to break the huddle. Then he straightened up and led everyone over to the hastily extended table with a smile.

Overall it was a surprisingly pleasant evening. Gertrud did a lot of the talking thankfully, although a lot of her material revolved around embarrassing stories about Oswald. Although they weren’t so bad because she would start to tell one and then Oswald would find his hand being squeezed by either Ed or Jim, sometimes even a nudging kick from the Victors. As they started on their dessert, Oswald still couldn’t believe that this was real instead of a dream, but he wasn’t about to tempt fate by questioning it. None of the men broke out into bickering again, his mother was having a ball, and Oswald couldn’t imagine a more perfect evening.


End file.
